Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Mt. Goatmore - The Edmonton Oilers Edition

By Dan Moser
(Editors note: I've been sitting on this gem of a post for a long time now. I was planning on waiting until after our annual (this blog could last a couple years right?) season preview posts but unfortunately, the guest blogger is taking his sweet ass time, come on bud, I know you're not busy, I can see you playing NHL09 from my "desk"!

Welcome to Mt. Goatmore! If you only read the terrible blogs (that was nice, I didn't link anyone!) and avoid the good ones, you probably missed Mt. Puckmore features posted during the summer by Yahoo! Sports Blog, Puck Daddy and Editor, Greg Wyshynski.This post has been designed as a spoof of the successful and fun Mt. Puckmore pieces in which the four faces of each NHL franchise were discussed and displayed in a Photoshoped picture.

Praising four players really doesn't seem like the appropriate style for Oiler Spill though, so we have created Mt. Goatmore, which features the four players or coaches, or management, that are no longer with the NHL team, but have helped improve the team, by no longer being team members. That was a confusing sentence. Simply put, the Edmonton Oilers are a better team than they were last year because these four individuals are no longer present. Anyway, enjoy Mt. Goatmore, and if you reader(s) enjoy it, this may not be the last installment.

Also credit needs to be given where credit is due, the stunning image above was created by Photoshop wizard Josh Moser. If you can, check out his Photoshop album.

Patrick O'Sullivan
There are no photos on Google of Patrick O'Sullivan celebrating goals as an Oiler
According to this blog, hating on O'Sullivan seems to be my new favorite thing. I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but Patrick O'Sullivan's play really bothered me last season. His 34 points last season helped him on his way to his worst statistical season since his rookie campaign in 2006/07 when he split time in the AHL. Furthermore, his 11 goals just made me sad. 

Now, I understand Edmonton was not the easiest place to play last season, but when things aren't going well for you offensively you have to get out there, work on other parts of your game and work hard in practice. If you think Patrick O'Sullivan did anything to even try to better his game last season please present your source material, and if you spoke to him one night at a bar or something like that it doesn't count.  

So how are the Oilers better without POS this season? I understand that not every player has to play 2-way hockey, and it is okay for some to be purely offensive players, but there is a catch. If you don't play 2-way hockey, and you just float around the neutral zone watching your team get scored against on a nightly basis and not providing any offence to speak of, it is not okay. Removing a player of this ilk from your roster will give you a better team.  

Pat Quinn
Despite what is written below, if Quinn brings back that duster I'd hire him in a second
Now this is just my opinion (Ed note: no kidding idiot, this is your blog!) but I think some of Quinn's coaching tactics were a little outdated. Obviously I am not an NHL coach or anything but some of his on-ice decisions seems a little odd to me, goalie selection on some nights, what lines certain players were on, the ridiculous amount of time Shawn Horcoff spent on the ice. Maybe it was his association with breaking Bobby Orr, and coaching the Leafs but I was no fan of Quinn's during the hiring process. I thought coaching had passed him by, and I was hoping Tom Renney would get the job (okay, this is where a link would be to a previous post from last season when I said I was in favour of Renney being Head Coach. This blog is too new though so just take my word on it please. Plus, I would never want to be known as the blogger that does douchey things like that.).

Like many of you, I did however enjoy Quinn's press conferences. They were often full of hilarious quotes and soundbites. They weren't funny in a Jim Mora, John Tortorella way though, it was more like when a grandparent yells at a cloud, or misplaces his slippers while they are on his feet. You know, a senior moment.

Yeah I know a lot of people were not happy about the way Pat Quinn was let go, but I disagree with them and let's be honest folks, he's making some Extra money anyway. TRIDENT!

Ethan Moreau
Former Captain Ethan Moreau in his regular game-time attire
I don't remember the last time the Oilers had a Captain that was a healthy scratch. I could probably leave it at that but I may as well elaborate. There was a time when I loved Ethan Moreau's game. The guy was pure energy and he had a knack for scoring short-handed goals, then he got the C and everything changed. Maybe it was the added pressure, maybe it was the long list of injuries, maybe it was just the fact that he got older, whatever it was his play and attitude started hurting the team.

When he played he seemed to spend most of the game in the penalty box, and not in a good way. Then he took a dreaded puck to the face

During post game interviews he always seemed to be blaming someone else, which as Roberto Luongo will tell you, is very unbecoming of a team captain. Rumours started swirling that he created a riff in the dressing room between the young and the old players, that's never good for a rebuilding team. Regardless of what really happened in the room, for the Oilers to change their image going forward they needed to shed their captain. Moreau was put on waivers, and for some reason Scott Howson was nice enough to pick him up. Once in Columbus he continued to complain about the Oilers. Classy Captain.  

Robert Nilsson
Former Oilers Cole (L) and Nilsson (R) backchecking two seasons ago
Another former Oiler who came with so much promise and left with so much disgrace. When Nilsson joined the team it looked like he would be the best part of the return for Ryan Smyth, those feelings would eventually pass. To summarize his stay in Edmonton, see my thoughts on Patrick O'Sullivan, but add a little bit more success, and a little bit more offensive talent. By the time he left the team, my favourite part of Robert Nilsson's game was that people were calling him Bobby and his part in this classic video.

Nilsson reminds me a lot of a less talented version of his father and former Edmonton Oiler Scout Kenta "The Magic Man" Nilsson. He had the same fundamental flaw that helped his father earn that nickname. Guy could be a magician with the puck, but was also guilty of having a great disappearing act. Now you see him, now you don't.

To prove what I really know about hockey, I thought an NHL team would sign Robert Nilsson for sure. Oh well, on the plus side that classic video was correct, you're gonna go far kid, all the way to Russia.

Honourable mention to Sheldon Souray. Honestly though the team would probably be better with him IN the lineup, and technically speaking he is still part of the team, or at least on the payroll.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Making Fun of Others

By Dan Moser

(Editors note: sorry, this post would have been up much sooner except that Josh Staav reminded me about Be a Pro mode on NHL09. I am now knee deep in a season as an undersized, hard shooting, hard hitting offensive defenceman playing on the 2nd pairing of the Edmonton Oilers with a CCM Vector bucket, Bauer Vapor XXX skates, small shoulders, long pants, and a Warrior Dolomite Dougie Weight curve. I'm a f***ing beauty. 
This is Sergio Momesso. This is me proving to you that I know something about old-time hockey. Wait maybe this dude isn't old-timey enough for you, after all he only played from 1983 - 1997. I'll try again to prove my point.

This is Michel 'bunny' Larocque. He is old-school. This proves that my blog is worth reading because I clearly know something about old-time hockey. This is me making fun of Lowetide and the way he starts most of his posts. This is me making fun of Oilers bloggers that so badly want to be Lowetide that they too start their posts in a similar, yet pathetic style.

I digress, on to the real matter at hand. What do Momesso and Larocque have in common other than the fact that they don't belong in anyone's top ten list of anything? These are two players that are easy to make fun of.

Larocque has been called one of the best back-up goaltenders in the history of the game. In other words, the guy knew how to wear a hat, open and close the bench door, and pre-chew Ken Dryden's food for him. Momesso? He was a Canuck, and a Canuck during the era of the flying skate, nuff said.

In honour of those two, I know give you the top 4 players I wish were not playing NHL hockey this coming season. This should be fun.

Alexandre Burrows.
Stay classy Miss Burrows

Alexandre Burrows is a dirrty hockey player. Is it sexist for me to say only girls pull hair in fights? Well only girls pull hair in fights, so I guess that makes Alex Burrows a girl. Plain and simple the guy plays hockey like a bitch, he dives, he complains, he wears a visor, and he is the latest in a long line of dirty Canuck products (Thing 1 & Thing 2). I thought the one 30 goal year was going to be an anomaly, it really pissed me off when he did it again.

If we are lucky soon we will forget about Burrows career just as fast as we forgot about this guy.

Ryan Kesler.
The new poster boy for USA Hockey

I have never liked Ryan Kesler. I know most of it was becasue he is a Canuck. I'm sure if he was an Oiler, or on any other team I'd think he is a fine hockey player but the fact of the matter is he has a whale on his chest and I don't like him. I loved the Olympics though, in part because the rest of the country hated Kesler as much as I do. Also the guy uses his visor as a defence mechanism in fights, just plain dirty.

The most recent reason I hate Kesler has to be his "feud" with Andrew Ladd. I voted for Ladd.

Robyn Regehr.
Homer, did you polish your head in the Shine-O Ball-O?
You'd have to be insane to think that Regehr is: A) a clean hockey player, and B) that the role he plays, at his speed, has any relevance in the "new NHL" (that's right, even though we are entering year six since the lockout I said new NHL).

Which gross Regher play would you like me to link up to? I can't decide here is the Robyn Regehr Sucks Forum. Thinking about Regehr and the damage he has done during his NHL career (which is inching towards an end as we speak), makes me so angry I need an Ales Gemsky timeout.

Patrick O'Sullivan.
Sully played hockey like someone whose dream dinner date is Tiger Woods
Yeah Alf POGS are about as relevant as Patrick O'Sullivan's hockey career. Just signed a brand spanking new 2-way deal with the Carolina Hurricanes. Good for him, I thought he'd be watching NHL hockey from his couch this season. Well, it's still a possibility if he lives up to the name POS this coming season like he did last season.

I was really rooting for O'Sullivan when he became an Oiler, his play and level of interest made me realize how wrong I was to believe in the guy. He has some serious issues and I would be surprised to see him become anything better than a bit player in the show. O'Sullivan is one player I was very happy to see leave this summer.

I liked O'Sullivan because he came in a deal that sent another Oiler I really liked away in Erik Cole. I liked Erik Cole because he came from the deal that sent my former favorite Oiler Joni Pitkanen away. Pitkanen came from another fav and "hometown hero" Joffery Lupul. Of course, Lupul came from the only player he is ever traded for, Chris Pronger. Pronger may have been the easiest Oiler to love in his one season with the team and he came to the team in a deal that sent one of my all-time favorites Eric Brewer (even though some think Tom Poti was better) away. So really this is all Eric Brewer's fault. I wish he was still an Oiler.

Jeez remember at the top when I said this would be fun? Now I'm just angry, oh well listen one listen of this beauty and I'm all cheered up! Who makes your top 4? Leave a comment so I know someone actually reads this stuff.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A "Wild" Post, Because You Asked

By Dan Moser

So, okay, I know what you, my loyal reader is thinking. "Dan, what gives? I thought this blog was supposed to make me laugh be on the Edmonton Oilers, why are you putting up a post on the Minnesota Wild? I know for a fact you can't even spell Minnesota correctly without spellcheck!"

First of all reader, you're only half right. I didn't use spellcheck, I used Google. Second of all (if I still have your attention) let me explain myself. I am 24, male, obsessed with hockey, I once created a Facebook account for this guy, and I'm new to this game but I guess I am a "blogger" who "blogs" exclusively on hockey. It goes without saying that I do not come in contact with many girls, let alone girls that are interested in hockey, therefore when a girl asks me to write a piece on the Minnesota Wild I don't really have much of a choice. The moral to this story is ask me to do something, and I'll probably say yes (that line assumes that you are a girl reading this blog). So with the explanation out of the way, I hope you enjoy this post, it's for you.
Last Season
There was a lot of optimism surrounding the Wild last season, well at least there was from my point of view. Every season for the past decade I have been forced to watch at least six games a year featuring the Wild and the Oilers and it's a guarantee every season that those games will be the most boring of the season. Last season was the first year the Wild were without original team Head Coach Jacques Lemaire. Lemaire, as a coach, is not a fan of offence in hockey. He prefers to have him team turn the fastest game on ice into a game of battleship. So a lack of Lemaire (that would make a great Wild blog name) should have automatically infused the team with offensive drive and made them entertaining. Think again.

Ways to make your hockey team more difficult to watch:
  1. Let Marian Gaborik leave
  2. Replace him with Martain Havlat (I always thought he would make a better soccer player anyway with the way he dives and kicks)
  3. Make sure your next best offensive weapon is small and gets hurt easily (Pierre-Marc Bouchard)
  4. Once Bouchard gets hurt (and he will) the next offensive weapon should be a player who has bounced around expansion teams his whole career (Andrew Brunette)
  5. Play Derek Boogaard
  6. When in doubt revert to old tendencies and TRAP TRAP TRAP

So which of these were the Wild guilty of last season (38-36-8, 84 points; fourth in the Northwest; 13th in the Western Conference)? I'll let you figure that one out.

2000-2010 Minnesota Wild Power Play

2010/11 - A Second Chance!
That's right, a second chance, that is the way Wild fans and team management should be viewing the coming season. This time hopefully they will shed the Lemairesq defensive game and make their games worth watching. Based on what they have done this offseason though, I wouldn't bet on it. 

In addition to the above list, the Wild have let Derek Boogaard and his bash brother "Big" John Scott go, allow the ageless wonder Owen Nolan to leave, signed Captain Saku Mikko Koivu to a silly contract, and signed some bit players to go along with an already unimpressive core of bit players and cast-offs from other teams. Stop me when you think the team has actually gotten better this offseason.

So for humour's (yeah Leah that's how it's spelt) sake and to fill space lets look at the Wild's offseason acquisitions. I ask that while you read this you keep in mind the Wild are trying to move away from a defence first game. First on the docket, John Madden. Hmmm where have I heard of this guy? Oh yeah he is the defensive specialist who scored a single goal in the playoffs with the Blackhawks.

Okay, well how about Matt Cullen then? During the NHL lock-out he led the Italian League in scoring with 27 goals and 33 assists. Hmm well you could ask Ottawa Senator fans (yes they are real) about his offensive production......ah hell it will take you too long to track down a Sens fan, the guy scored 4 goals in his 21 Senator games and was known primarily for, get this, his defensive game.

I'd talk about Eric Nystrom but I don't want to waste your time. This is the biggest impact he has had on hockey. The guy is a fourth liner, not known for his offensive skill. Needless to say, Minnesota Wild fan's should be excited. 
No words
Things I like about the Wild
Okay, that was mean. There are a couple things I do actually like about the Minnesota Wild. I like their third jersey, even if it is a complete rip off of the Michigan State Spartans Jersey
Cal Buttercup wearing a nice jersey on my copy of NHL10
I just think it's a classy looking jersey, nice and simple, and much much nicer than their Christmas Jerseys. The player featured above is the other reason I like the Wild. Cal Clutterbuck may not be much of a hockey player, but he hits everything that moves. It's not even that he is a great hitter, he is just always hitting and I find that entertaining, and I can respect that. Also, his ability to grow facial hair rivals my own

Monday, September 13, 2010

You've Been.....ONE-UPPED!

By Dan Moser 

Well, ever since reading this post by my buddy over at Lighter Side of Fire I have been possessed by the soul of someone you needs to one up everyone he knows. Then out of nowhere, I awoke this morning and was delivered this gem from the bowels of hfboards.


The only thing better than a local rapper, is one that raps about how much he loves donairs 

Kinda makes me want to listen to one of those terrible Bugsy Brown songs from the '06 playoffs. Gross. Sorry.

Edit: I had to make an ajustment. This is a f***ing joke.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Taylor Made 4 Oilers or My Lamest Title Yet

Hall enjoying his seat minutes before the Rexall Place staff tell him to remove his feet
By Dan Moser 

It was leaked earlier today by Dave Mitchell of CTV that future rookie phenom Taylor Hall will in fact wear the number 4 in the coming season. At first glance this probably looks like another September non-story and another silly Oilers fluff piece from me. At second glance that is definietly the case. Here at Oiler Spill though we are going to treat this as an important piece of news that requires your attention. Also, since we know you are a loyal reader, you are obviously aware that this is post #4, so it's going to be about the jersey #4, ya dig? So stop listening to your favourite summer jam from the past and focus on this stunning and informative breaking news.
Taylor Hall showing off the limbo skills that got him drafted first overall
 It was leaked earlier today by Dave Mitchell of CTV that future rookie phenom Taylor Hall will in fact wear the number 4 in the coming season. As we all know, the last Oiler of significance to wear the number 4 was current President of Hockey Operations Lowetide Kevin Lowe. For most teams we'd probably say this is not a move really worth reporting, but for the Oilers, this marks a major organizational philosophy shift.

For years now, pretty much since 1990, Oiler fans have been guilty of living somewhat in the past. I know I know it's a hard pill to swallow for most fans, especially when Flames fans have been saying that for years. Giving Kevin Lowe's number 4 to the new face of the franchise means as an organization the Oilers are now looking to the future instead of the past. Don't get me wrong the past is important, and the Oilers have a rich tradition. I just think it is time to start looking forward instead of backward and this number switch is a great opportunity for that to start. Also on a similar note, we are sick of current and future players being compared to former Oiler greats, it's just not fair.

Taylor Hall does not believe in head trauma

As much as I'd (We're having a lot of trouble with this I vs we stuff!) like to see Kevin Lowe's jersey number retired (Oilers first NHL draft pick, scored first NHL goal in franchise history, 5 cups, former Captain, most games played as an Oiler) I would prefer to see a double retirement in 20 years.
You're not in Calgary anymore, please straighten your hat
Other interesting facts about the number 4:
  • 4 pieces come in a King-Size Twix
  • Jared Paull wears the #4
    • Furthermore watch out for his deadly toe-drag
  • Jared has an autographed photo of another #4, Lowe, with his phone number on it. It's a good story.
  • I drafted Brett Favre in my fantasy football pool, he wears #4
  • This is the fourth blog posting to appear on this site
  • A rejected title for the comedic romp The Number 23 was in fact The Number 4
  • The next Mighty Ducks movie will be the fourth in the series. (About as likely as _____)
  • Apparently, some guy named Bobby Orr wore the number 4 back when he played. Weird.

To be perfectly honest, we are just happy that Hall is not going to be wearing 44. Ever since that unfortunate incident (you know which one) that number has haunted Oiler fans.
This is the fourth picture of a Taylor to appear in this post

On a totally unrelated note, do you like the Calgary Flames? Hmmm scratch that. Do you like reading about the Calgary Flames occasionally? This dude writes about the good and the bad, and his sarcasm is so strong it actually leaps out of your monitor, or phone, and slaps you in the face. Big shout out to Dick over at The Lighter Side of Fire. I read his shit and you should too, otherwise "they" win.

Friday, September 3, 2010

The Artist Formally Known as Karl Magnus Pääjärvi-Svensson

Despite what the jersey says, Paajarvi-Svensson is doing his best Marik Mailk impression
By Dan Moser 

That's right Oiler fans, huge news coming from TSN that, get this, future superstar Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson has decided he will now only go by Pajjarvi Pajaarvi Pajarvvi Paajarvi! This is big news of course because as you can see from the picture above, he prefers to have a cluttered jersey with the name Paajarvi-Svensson on the back. Wait, what's that you say? In the picture above his jersey only has one last name? Oh well that must just be an anomaly (sorry), clearly he prefers both names on his sweaters:
Getting drafted is harder with the sun in your eyes
Okay well that photo is just not fair. Paajarvi-Svensson didn't get to choose the name on the back of that one. Given the choice, I'm sure he would have gone with both names like in this one:
2 minutes for kneeing and a game misconduct for only having one last name on your back!
Alright well now I'm just confused. This story was on the front page of TSN for crying out loud! Twitter was full of tweets about this huge name change! Hfboards went insane! So what gives? Well I guess when it comes down to it, it is September (sorry) and everyone is getting a little antsy.

Anyway, out of respect for the biggest story since goaltender Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers decided to just go by Jeff Deslauriers, and plus I need to run down to the store before it closes and see if I can get half my money back if they take the Svensson off my order, I will just link you to a site generates Wu-Tang Clan nicknames. I'm the Optimistic Lyricist. Ironic.